


Was it real? What we saw?

by Alienea, pleasekalemenow



Series: The Inherent Romanticism of Dragons [22]
Category: The Mechanisms (Band)
Genre: Cancer discussion, Emotional self-harm, Impersonation, Multi, Other, Physical self-harm, Smoking, Suicidal Thoughts, and intent, body control, cannibalism mention, lying, unhealthy relationship with food, via fire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-24
Updated: 2020-06-24
Packaged: 2021-03-03 18:48:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24740311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alienea/pseuds/Alienea, https://archiveofourown.org/users/pleasekalemenow/pseuds/pleasekalemenow
Summary: Lyfrassir is going through it (it being depression, and a lack of any energy) and Nyarlathotep makes some unwise decisions. And some wise ones.
Relationships: Lyfrassir Edda/Marius von Raum
Series: The Inherent Romanticism of Dragons [22]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1832185
Comments: 8
Kudos: 94





	Was it real? What we saw?

Nyarl puts down the violin as Lyf settles into the dreaming stage of sleep, and settles down next to them. They’ve been having nightmares, and. Well. They couldn’t really get their revenge done if they weren’t sleeping. Being next to them would help make sure that they got a good night’s sleep. Their body practically cried out with the need to be sleeping with someone that had died.

When, after a while, Lyf started to whimper in their sleep and head towards wakefulness, Nyarl let the connection between the two of them let her know what they needed to get back to sleep. It was easy, to slip on the skin of their lost love, and position him next to them, appearing to be having his own nightmare, and wait for Lyf to wake up.

Lyf wakes with a whine, then a gasp, shifting upright just slightly before they see Marius beside them, alive, asleep, and having another nightmare. Their heart aches at the sight of him, at the furrow in his brow, and although they know this has to be a dream because their beloved is- isn’t. They can’t help but wonder which of his demons is haunting him. Or if he’s haunted by a ghost, instead- if it’s Lyfrassir he sees, slipping through his fingertips. Here, in this dream, at least, beneath the open stars like when they first met, they can lean forward, kiss the furrow in his brow, caress his face. “Marius, love, could you wake up for me? I miss you terribly when you’re dreaming.”

Marius startles awake, eyes darting back and forth before they rest on Lyf and he relaxes. “Oh. It’s you.” He scoots closer, and drapes an arm over them. Lyf pulls him tight, and forces a chuckle that comes out more tearfully than they mean. 

“Sorry to disappoint. Maybe one of these days it’ll be Fantasy Hozier you wake up to.” They kiss his temple, his hair, his neck.

“Fantasy Hozier has better taste. He’d be waking up with you.” Marius kisses back, worry lines relaxing as he does so. “Or both of us.”

“Both of us is acceptable. I would also like to wake up with Hozier. But it would be impossible to have better taste than you, my darling.” They nip at his neck playfully, heart aching at how easily they slip into the banter, like no time’s passed at all, like Marius hasn’t passed at all. “Also impossible to taste better than you.”

“I think we’ll have to agree to disagree on that one, love.” Marius tucks his head into their chest. “I’m glad you’re here.”

Lyf blinks away the tears that brings up because they aren’t, they weren’t, he  _ needed _ them and they- they  _ weren’t _ here, they could have at least died  _ together. _ They laugh through their tears. “I-I’m glad, too, Marius- please, can I tell you something? I should have- I should’ve told you sooner, but I figure, a lovely night like this- as good a time as any, I don’t want to waste any more time with you.”

Marius peers up at Lyf and moves back up so they’re on eye level. “Of course. You can tell me anything, Lyf.” He presses another kiss to their cheek. “I trust you.”

A horrible decision, clearly. They caress his face, take in all the details, the slight unevenness of his eyebrows, the way the moonlight reflects off his cheekbones, the way his beard scratches their skin pleasantly. They wish they could die in this dream, in his arms, that they never had to wake up. Lyf presses an achingly tender kiss to his mouth, tears streaming. Against his lips, not as soft as they remember, they murmur, “I’m in love with you, Marius. I always have been.”

“Oh, Lyf.” Marius’s eyes well up with tears that begin to slip loose. “Lyf, I’m in love with you too. I have been for I don’t know how long.”

Lyf knows this isn’t real, that he doesn’t really- that he didn’t- it’s so nice to hear those words in his voice, but it’s- he would have never said it, not when they’re alone, and now he’s never going to. Through their tears, Lyf kisses Marius, pouring all of their adoration and reverence and grief and regret into the slide of their tongue against his, memorizing the shape of his mouth in this last goodbye because there’s no way their dreams will ever be so kind to them again as to give them a moment with Marius where they aren’t watching him slip away again, be rent asunder, eaten, screaming their name as they’re torn apart and they can’t  _ reach _ him-

Marius reaches up with one hand to cup Lyf’s face, tangling his fingers in Lyf’s hair. He doesn’t stop kissing until he has to breathe, pulling back with a final quick kiss. “Lyf? Love, are you alright? It’s late. We can continue this in the morning.” He smiles at them. “Although it might take a bit to fall back asleep, with that nightmare.”

Lyf makes themself smile back at him. “I’m okay, Marius, I’m always okay when we’re together. Do you want me to sing you to sleep?”

“Yes, please. I love your voice.” Marius’s smile gets sappy. “And I love you.”

Lyf kisses him again because they’ve missed kissing him, they’ve missed him so much, they miss him even now, aching with every beat of the heart they gave to Marius long ago. “Close your eyes, my love. Nothing can hurt you now. I have you.” 

Marius snuggles into Lyf, his curls brushing their face. “I know. See you in the morning.” He closes his eyes, and settles in to listen to Lyf sing. They press a kiss to those curls they love so much and manage to sing softly, past the tears choking their throat.

_ “Sleepers wake _

_ Dreams will fade _

_ Although we cling fast _

_ Was it real? _

_ What we saw? _

_ I believe _

_ Lost in dreams _

_ We sleep on _

_ Tossing and turning _

_ Stay with me _

_ By my side _

_ Never leave _

_ What if the worst comes? _

_ If someday this sweet reverie ends _

_ We too _

_ Our memories _

_ For real _

_ Fade us by _

_ Dream with me _

_ By the sea _

_ We watch the waves crash _

_ Hold my hand _

_ Think of me _

_ And I'll fly…” _

By the time the last note disappears into the night, Marius’s breathing has leveled off, his soft snores bringing a desperate, hollow comfort. Lyf hasn’t been able to sleep right without his snoring since a month after meeting him. It’s easy, now, to fall asleep- well, within the fiction, at least, so they suppose really they’re waking up- because they know if they don’t leave this moment while it’s good it will inevitably turn, like every other good thing Lyfrassir has managed to hold onto for a moment, and they wonder if perhaps they can have this again after they join him in death. They don’t place much stock in the hope. If anyone deserves Heaven, Marius does, but Lyf suspects that those who mingle with- who they’ve mingled with, the things that have claimed them since childhood, the contract they’ve made willingly- they won’t join him, they don’t think. Perhaps it’s unrealistic to hope Marius gets Heaven and they merely cease, but they hope so regardless. Sleep overcomes them, washing over that line of thought quite suddenly.

Nyarl leaves the feeling of Marius in Lyf’s arms for them. When they’re back in deep sleep, ce’ll start to fade him out. She’s not sure how to feel, about what ze did. There’s a delicate line of comforting lies and harmful platitudes, and finding it is different with each person. Nyarl will have to hope that Lyf takes it as a dream, and picks up the violin music again so that that they might, while ae hover and think. At least ne learned the essence of something to add to the music, a sound that’s not a snore nor recognizable to anyone as being connected to Marius but hopefully hitting the same spot inside of their brain so that Lyf can at least have restful sleep.

Nyarl hopes Lyf doesn’t remember that the devil is supposed to have a thousand thousand forms. She won’t offer, ce doesn’t think, but does carefully store away everything that makes a Marius for Lyf, just in case. Nyarlathotep has a long history of doing anything for the person that they choose, in the end. And he likes to make sure that their person is happy. So it’s a small sacrifice to make, as the violin music continues to sing into the night, and ze waits for the sunrise.

When Lyf wakes, they feel empty. Which. Well. They’ve been sort of speedrunning the stages of grief, anyway. They had a very literal bargaining period. But they were hoping the anger would last them a bit longer before the depression hit them in full. There’s music, because of course they aren’t alone, they’re never alone, now, but they wish they were, that they could just sit here and glare into the sun until they went blind, that they could lie down on this bed of grass until it overgrew and pulled them down into the cool dirt where their beloved was never buried. There’s something about the music this morning that is too familiar, trying to offer a comfort that they don’t  _ want _ , and they just. Fuck. They don’t give a shit about revenge. They don’t care about that anymore, it doesn’t matter, nothing does. They close their eyes and wish they could get a fucking sleeping curse like the one that claimed Prince Brian. Or. Whatever else. Their sword is too far away to bother with, they’d have to get up and they aren’t going to.

Fuck. Nyarl didn’t help at all. It’s always a crapshoot, what will give closure and what won’t and this was a failed roll of the dice, and now Nyarl has to pick up the pieces that je broke and try and help Lyf back together. Ae disappears the violin, and settles down next to Lyf. “Lyfrassir? Are you ready for breakfast? I can make eggs. Or fruit. I can even do hot chocolate, if you’d like.” The fact that Nyarl has placed emself between Lyf and their sword is a coincidence, if anyone was to ask. What’s not a coincidence is that Nyarl is ready to take control of Lyf, if they try - anything. Lyf doesn’t respond. They know it’s rude, but they just. They have nothing to say. They aren’t ready for breakfast. They don’t want to eat. They just. They  _ just. _

“Okay. I’m going to get you through eating breakfast, Lyf.” Nyarl gently settles into Lyf’s limbs and sits them up. “Some doctors and witches and witch doctors have looked into it, and breakfast is fairly important to eat.” Nyarl shuffles through some options before just appearing a pancake with pomegranate jam on a plate in front of Lyf. “This is a pancake. It’s made out of flour and butter and eggs and milk. And this is pomegranate jam, since the recipe I like for pancakes doesn’t have a lot of sugar, and it’ll give it some sweetness” Nyarl spreads the jam on it, and then folds it over so it’s sort of a sandwich. “Are you okay if we take a bite of it?”

Lyf’s face crumples a bit and they have a vaguely incoherent thought about pomegranates and temptations and  _ Marius _ and Nyarl can get the idea that ve should maybe use a different jam. They unfold the pancake, vanish the jam, and bring out peach jam and spread that on the pancake before folding it again, and sending a questioning thought at Lyf again. Lyf mentally shrugs. They don’t want to eat. They don’t care whether it’s important.

Regrettably, Lyf has to eat. Nyarl takes control of their body, and eats the pancake quickly. It doesn’t really have all the nutrients Lyf needs, but Nyarl can add those directly, and this way Lyf has still eaten, at least. Nyarl summons a mug of peppermint tea and starts drinking it for Lyf.

_ Were you planning to bathe today? It’s not the same, but I can magic you clean. Then we can get going. _

Lyf literally has no fucking clue when the last time they bathed was because the days are just sort of passing in a smudge. They might have bathed yesterday. They might have bathed weeks ago. They don’t really even know how long they’ve been on the road. They can’t tell where Asgard is anymore, and it seems apt that they’ve lost their sense of home, but poetic bullshit aside they don’t really know how to gauge how long they’ve been travelling.

_Right. Well, I’ll clean you right now, and we’ll keep an eye out for a stream you can bathe in. I can heat the water just around you so that it’s comfortable._ There’s a shiver of magic over Lyf’s body and then they’re clean. A layer of grime appears a few feet away. _Yes, I think I will start reminding you about bathing._ _It’s important for mental health as well._ Nyarl stands Lyf up, and starts cleaning up the rudimentary camp that Lyf had set. _Let me know if there’s anything I’m forgetting, please._

Lyf absently thinks about their sword, still sitting by the tree, and their arm twitches towards it now that they’re standing anyway.

_ I will just hold onto that for now. _ Void envelops the sword, and it disappears.  _ I believe we have to brush Brunhilde? I gave her some oats before you woke up, but she likes getting brushed before and after, yes? _

This does actually get through to them with a small pang of guilt, and they move to take more control of their body to take care of her. “Sh-should brush her, she’s a good girl.” Nyarl’s control of them recedes as Lyf moves to care for Brunhilde.

_ She is. I can clean her saddle while you brush her, if you wish. _ Nyarl manifests by the saddle, ready to clean it. Lyf nods absently and rests their head against Brunhilde’s muzzle, murmuring love and apologies as they brush her mane.

Nyarl settles in to cleaning the saddle, which at this point does desperately need it. If a little bit of eldritch powers are used to fix the leather and help keep it supple, that’s allowed. Nyarl does the same for the rest of the tack as Lyf brushes Brunhilde, trying to give them as much time as possible with her this morning. Lyf loses track of time a bit in taking care of their horse, pampering her in a way that’s uncharacteristic of the energy level they’ve been exhibiting in caring for themself.

Nyarl is not going to stop Lyf. It’s good for them to care for Brunhilde, and if this means that Nyarl is left discreetly hydrating Lyf and Brunhilde so that they don’t need to stop, well, such is life. Ze’ll be quite happy if they get on the road by lunch. Only a little bit of progress is really needed, after all. Nyarl just doesn’t want Lyf to stay here, perhaps hoping for another dream. Lyf hasn’t measured time by meals since the pyramid, for obvious reasons, but the sun isn’t yet directly overhead when they mount Brunhilde and spur her forward, receding back into themself once they’re done caring for her beyond the bare minimum core strength needed to avoid toppling over on the horse. They absently manifest some tobacco, already rolled in paper, and bring it to their lips, letting the tip of their index finger burn as they light it, letting the fire linger longer than they need as they feel the fire open old scars.

Nyarl hisses inside Lyf and heals their finger.  _ Those cause- bad, lumps inside people, growing faster than you can. They’re not healthy. Just because I can heal that doesn’t mean you should be smoking them, Lyf. Have you... There’s this thing, it’s fairly new, but. It’s a tree sap, and it can be flavored, and you can just suck on it like a lozenge. Would you try that instead? _

Lyf doesn’t think Nyarl will want to hear them argue that they mainly like cigarettes for the way they burn their lungs, not for the health benefits, so they shrug.

_ Please take care of yourself. If for no other reason than you want to last long enough to get to the dragon’s hoard, please. Besides, you never know what comes after that. Perhaps there’s dragons that are doing the same, and you could help others with their dragon-induced traumas. _ Nyarl is trying, at least.

_ Whatever. _ Lyf pinches the tip of the cigarette between their fingers to extinguish the flame before flicking it on the road behind them.  _ You said you had sap for this sappy dumbass? _

Nyarl manifests a hand and holds out a lozenge. It is basically a jolly rancher sort of thing, but softer and a bit chewy. Nyarl has not included nicotine in the lozenge. It is strawberry flavored, because Nyarl thinks that’s the best one.

_ Let me know if you want a different flavor. _

Lyf takes the lozenge and pops it in their mouth, not really noting the taste. Several minutes later, they bat down their own irrational depressed petulance enough to push,  _ Thanks. _

_ You’re welcome. I’m keeping an ear out for a stream, by the way. Brunhilde can get a wash, then. _ Nyarl deliberately doesn’t mention Lyf getting a wash, but that’s definitely planned.  _ Here, have a bag of them. _ Nyarl manifests a bag of the lozenges for Lyf, attached to their saddlebags. Lyf grumbles another thanks. 

_ Brunhilde deserves a wash. She’s been so good. _

_ She has been. If I don’t hear a stream, I can just manifest enough water for a wash. We can do that tonight. But a stream would be nice. There might be fish. _ Lyf becomes the physical manifestation of the word ‘meh’ at that. The texture of meat of any sort is just. A lot.  _ Alright. I can make a rice dish. Get some vegetables in there. Cheese? How do you feel about cheese, right now. _

_ About as well as I feel about anything. But you’re just going to force me to eat anyway, so it’s not like it matters. _ They don’t mean to sound bitter, but.

_ I’m trying to find foods that you’ll be able to start enjoying again. Unfortunately, yes, if you don’t eat, I will make you eat. You had the regrettable misfortune of making a revenge deal with me, and I am going to make sure you survive to fulfill this. Or are you deciding to break the deal? _

Lyf sulks for a moment.  _...And what if I was? _

_... I don’t keep unwilling people. I’d rather you didn’t, though. I don’t know how to take care of a horse, and I certainly won’t finish your revenge for you. _

_ What the fuck are you getting out of this, anyway? What grand plans could you have that make a disgraced knight with no desire to live in any way helpful? Or were you lying, before, about being the devil? Is this my torment, to be forever on this road with you, the hope of kindness making my misery that much more acute? I understand if my sins have earned me this, I failed the only person who ever mattered to me, and I failed to protect the others, and I apparently failed to die. I would just like to know that this is hell if that is the situation. _

_ What- no. This isn’t hell. It’s very hard to prove a negative, here, but there’s a lot of rude things I could do that I’m not that I definitely would do if it were. I could- I don’t really want to enumerate them. Please don’t ask. But no. This isn’t hell, and this isn’t your torment. _ Nyarl manifests, floating next to Lyf.  _ What I get out of this... you can’t imagine I get much company. Haha. Let’s ring up what we want to call the devil for a social call! Okay, people do, but not people I actually want to be social with. Helpful is a word with a changeable definition. I don’t want your sword, or your knight abilities. I’m sorry if that’s not something you can believe, but it’s true. I want company. _

Lyf is stunned into baffled silence for a moment.  _ You want me around because you’re lonely? _

_ Apologies if I have ruined your image of me. There’s numerous benefits, for me, sticking around you. They mostly boil down to wanting companionship, yes. _ Nyarl’s shape has gotten less distinct.  _ You don’t have to believe me. And the way things are going, I doubt you’ll want to continue to have me around more than necessary, after. It’s fine. _ Most of the time, it’s been very hard to tell if Nyarl has been lying or telling the truth. The final sentence, however, has a distinct ring of a lie.

Lyf stares at the Void for a moment.  _...If you want a friend, I’m not being a very good one. I’m sorry. I didn’t- only Marius has ever wanted. Anything like companionship from me. _

_ I didn’t tell you I wanted a friend.  _ Nyarl sighs.  _ I was going to save that for after. So it’s less that you’ve been a bad friend and more I didn’t tell you that that was where I was thinking of building it. Besides. You’re grieving. I wasn’t going to put that pressure on you. But. You asked. _

Lyf looks back ahead and then strokes Brunhilde.  _...It would have been nice to know you wanted to care about me. I thought you were grooming me like a war hound. _

_...Oh. My fault. I should’ve clarified. At least I have now. No. I’m not- I would greatly prefer not controlling you. Doing so... runs up against my personal lines of consent and autonomy. Not doing so, and letting you waste away, just gets me in another way. So I made a choice to do it as little as possible. I want you to keep your autonomy, and personhood, and -  _ Nyarl waves a blob that could be a hand vaguely.  _ All the things that make a person a person. If I wanted just someone to use as a tool, well. I don’t know. I probably would just transfer you nutrients directly. Who cares about the mental state of a tool? _

_ Do I look like someone who knows things? For all I knew you just wanted to build my hopes up to tear them down again. _ They’re quiet for a moment.  _ After this I don’t- I want you to stick around. If you want to. If you’ll keep being kind to me. I can- I can try, to be better. I’m sorry I don’t really know how. I can try to eat, myself. _ There is a very deliberate comma between those words.  _ We can try to be friends. I don’t. Really think Marius would want me to die, if there’s a way for me to live and not just be lonely and miserable. _

_ Mmm I had not brought that up because I thought it would sound weird coming from me. Haha the inspiration of the devil is trying to be comforting and uplifting. _ Nyarl’s form has gotten more defined again.  _ So. Yes. I’d like to stick around, and I will keep on being kind to you. For now, I think doing your best to stay alive is about all I can really ask you to do. Just trying. If you try to eat, I can make sure you get all the nutrients you need. _

_ Okay. I can try.  _ Lyf would gently like a hug but they really don’t know how to ask for one. They’ve never really had to, with Marius, and there was no one else they ever really wanted to touch them. Generally it was other people asking to touch them- or just. Touching them. Nyarl would also like a hug, and so ey floats closer to Lyf and tentatively wraps an arm around them in a side hug.

_ Is this okay? _

Lyf simply turns and wraps both arms around em, burying their face in her shoulder.  _ Yes. _

_ Oh. Good. _ Nyarl wraps another arm around Lyf and hugs them, while also changing positions so that Brunhilde does not have to be a confused horse, ending up sitting in front of Lyf on her.  _ Let me know when you want me to stop. _

_ Okay _ .

Lyf does not indicate that they want to stop for a long time.


End file.
